What It Feels Like to Burn a Thousand Dollars

Yesterday I hit the button to turn off paid subscriptions on Substack. I expected some administrative friction, a bit of nostalgia, maybe even some reluctant gratitude for Substack’s creators.

What I didn’t expect was this notification: “Are you sure you want to issue a refund of $1,047?”

It turns out that when you disable paid subscriptions, you don’t just stop future payments. Substack automatically returns anything people have already committed. Which meant that the moment I closed one chapter of my creative life, I also watched a thousand dollars–money that has made my transition to a creative life feel less shaky–vanish.

This was sacrifice made tangible. Feeling, with that click, that switching my writing platform to Ghost, a space that feels more aligned with how I want to write and build community, wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. There was a cost, a risk. It required me to let go of something real, something known.

And that’s when my esoteric platform decision, which I suspect you haven’t lost much sleep over, became about something more universal, something worth writing about: trusting the unknown and each other.

Bird in the Hand…

I suspect you know the feeling of choosing between the comfortable thing you have and the risky thing that beckons. Leaving a job that’s “fine” for less money or a dream (likely both). Starting or ending a relationship. Moving to a new city to start over. Bringing a child or pet into a life that was once predictable.

That nagging thought creeps in: Am I really throwing away something good? What if it doesn’t work out” What if I regret it?

And for me, it was: Will anyone join a platform named after a Halloween costume? Will they find time to sign up amidst their busy lives? Or am I making an epic mistake? (After all, Priya Parker is now on Substack…)

…Two in the Bush?

But then everything felt a bit less heavy, less…risky. I took my dog for a run in the woods, which solves most problems. I held a Zoom meeting where people thanked me for giving them a chance to share feedback on my forthcoming book. And later, I found several new subscribers and touching notes of support waiting for me. One from, fittingly, Hope: “Supporting you always feels right.”

So here’s what really happened yesterday: I didn’t burn a thousand dollars. I sent it back—to you. I stopped jealously guarding the support I had received so far as it was a fluke, a one-off and opened back up to trusting one another.

And yes, depending on each other is awkward. I imagine some of you forgot you even subscribed (the proverbial Hulu subscription we all forget about). Alex, who? Some of you will choose to follow me to the new platform (and some already have!<3). And others may decide financial support or even this email in your inbox is not doable right now.

And that’s where the trust comes in. Trusting the value of what I’m creating and trusting you to honor what feels right. Holding the paradox that I’m asking for support and I’ll be okay if I don’t get it from you, specifically.

And I want to emphasize that the most meaningful support is not money. As I wrote in Why I Don’t Believe in Paywalls, it’s the reminders that my work actually helps—because, I’ll admit, some days I forget—and it’s being in conversation with you so my work can keep getting better, more relevant, more useful.

Something else I’m learning: trust rarely feels crystal clear. It’s murky. It’s a gulp as you click the proverbial refund button. It’s not all green flags but it’s trusting the ones you see among the yellows. And it’s being grateful for the green-flag shaped people in your life that say “go for it, I’ve got you.”

The Leap

So, this will be my last email from Substack.

Ghost is simple: I’ll transfer your email and you’ll get my writing in your inbox just like Substack. But it’s now integrated with my main website slowmindfulness.com. Newsletters will be hosted here slowmindfulness.com/ideas where you can comment and share. You can also explore mindfulness tools and other resources I’ll be building out in the coming weeks and months. And if you live in DC, I hope you’ll check out Mindful Sundays and a soon-to-be-announced New Year’s retreat!

And if you’d like to support me financially, it will be a fresh choice. You can click the subscribe/join links to do that. Most importantly, I hope you’ll stay a reader and continue sharing your thoughts in the comments and over email. I want to build community there and I’m curious to see what’s possible. Thank you for being open to that.

And in your own life, whatever leap of faith you’re contemplating now, or the one that may emerge in the future, I’m wishing you a little trust of your own. In yourself and in each other. I hope you’ll reach out to me, and to others, for support. You might be surprised by how much you find.

With love,

Alex

PS: If you’d like, don’t forget to request stickers here! It’s a joy for me to send them to you.